short and sweet

Scared

Scared

a day closer to getting on a plane and another day of self-doubt. I guess at this point it should never fail to surprise me how much insecurity can pop up without a moments notice. The thought pattern is repetitive – get stuck not moving forward as fast as I’d like, think about how much is still to do, think about how many greater composers than me took longer than this to write brilliant works and finally doubt that I am up to the challenge.

Usually, I kill that thought shortly afterwards, as I don’t have enough time to dwell on it, but that is the pitter patter approach of self doubt visiting me 🙂

I think not having a chance to see Cora in a while has exaggerated the fear, as I sense time passing and want to stay on top of things and everything from a wasted day to an overslept morning worries me. I think people have far worse real life concerns in the world than I do, but unfortunately, these are the ones that consume me.

Anyway, I did get some writing in today, some clarinet practice and even got to hear Carlos Nunez at the Irish National Concert Hall tonight with my dad – it was some really nice bonding time before I leave in a few days.  The music was interesting and he is a stunning musician. I was paying attention to what made certain pieces more showy than others, and how the toms and large bass drum sounded in the music, although the amplification didn’t give me an authentic listening environment. Yet, there were ideas to be had…

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